Ladies, try to envision this: amid candle light, dazzling stars, and shots of Petrone, your date slides out of his chair onto one knee. “I… I needa ask you some’in…” he slurs attractively “Marmeee. Mermeepleas,” and begins to weep. “Pardon?” You say, “I don’t understand what you’re… Marry you?” And before you can answer, “Prince Charming” is ruining your shoes.
Now, this never actually happened to me, but doesn’t it sound like every girl’s dream proposal?! Bruno Mars, you have hit the nail on the head: this song describes exactly how our culture has come to view the Sacrament of Marriage.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of writing a modern song about getting married. After all, most pop songs today are about “getting wasted”, “getting money” or “getting ‘some’.” (Let’s not mention the fact that this particular song combines all three and calls it a “wedding.”). But seriously, Bruno’s idea of marriage is just as self-centred, feel-good and fleeting as many other pop topics.
Exhibit A: Mr. Mars invites his girl to join him in a private little Chapel where, in an intoxicated stupor, they can secretly exchange “vows” and “blow cash.”
My first problem with this plan is that “no one will know.” Mr. Mars very coyly assures his five-minute fiancé that “no one will know,” and apparently she is to see this as a selling point. I can only imagine my own family’s shock and disappointment if they weren’t invited, much less weren’t told of my nuptial activities. Why the secrecy? Would this girl’s family and friends disapprove of her man? If so, that would more likely be a sign of an imbalanced romantic relationship, not a reason to elope with the guy.
Exhibit B: Bruno tries to take advantage of a beautiful night by asking a girl to marry him. It sounds like a pretty romantic gesture. But, in his feminist-championing charm, Bruno demands a wedding on his own terms: it must happen the very night he asks; otherwise the Bride might sober up and her groom will turn back into a pumpkin. Spending 4 minutes trying to convince someone not to say “no no no no no” seems a bit desperate, don’t you think?
Exhibit C: “If we wake up and you wanna break up, that’s cool…it was fun, girl.” Waitaminute, hold up! Not to be crude, but doesn’t this sound a lot like a one-night stand? Well, according to our culture, love (like marriage) is a social construct that means whatever we want it to mean, and lasts as long as we feel good. Kill the children, forget forever and trash tradition; we were put on this earth to feel good and have fun! Consequence? May we never live long enough to feel her sting!
A word to the wise: if a guy is already “cool” with ending your marriage before it begins, he isn’t worthy of marrying you. In fact, he isn’t even worthy of dating you. Please, say “no, no, no, no, no” to his shallow, passing proposal. By showing the self-respect you deserve, hopefully he’ll get the reality check that he deserves.
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